Traits of narcissism only seem to continue to increase in our culture throughout this day and age. The term has become more and more present as it seems we continue to (sadly) move into an increasingly hostile cultural environment. Today, terms such as “gas-lighting” and “narcissistic abuse” seem to be thrown around more and more often (sometimes in what seems to be an accurate manner and sometimes what could be inaccurately). While there is a great abundance of misunderstanding and debate about what truly constitutes narcissistic traits, narcissistic abuse, and even narcissistic personality disorder, the majority of those who are diagnosed as having traits of narcissism are men (Diamond, Yeomans, Stren, and Kernberg, 2022). One of the biggest challenges of being impacted by narcissistic qualities is the false belief that a man must pretend, put on a mask, and hide all of their vulnerabilities, insecurities, mistakes, and experiences of (sometimes very intense) shame. This path leads to a very dark, lonely, and sad road – even if he is surrounded by others who find themselves pretending alongside with him. There is an apparent need in our culture for men to speak out honestly (and with actual vulnerability) that increasingly becomes clearer and clearer as our cultural fire continues to burn. In today’s day and age the way people speak to one another, specifically while hiding through text and social media, couldn’t have even been imagined 20 years ago (even through a phone conversation). The cycle will continue to grow if men only continue to pretend, abdicate their roles, and put on a masks perpetuating these types of problems.
There is a massive calling for all men to step up and build qualities of character in ways that seems counterintuitive to what our current culture perpetuates and expects. Specifically, building qualities of showing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If you are Christian, you will know these as the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). If you are not a Christian, you know them as something completely counter to what our current culture and society teaches us about character, specifically what to expect from the character of a man. Our culture increasingly promotes ideas of men as narcissists which (while there is some truth to this) creates a type of pain within our society, a clear indicator of the need for men to step up in ways that promote actual vulnerability, humility, honesty, and openness. This calls men to be honest with themselves, tell the truth (with grace and love) – even if painful. This calls men to speak out honestly about their vulnerabilities, not in a way that is shame-ridden, but in a way that promotes actual growth (with grace and love) – even if painful. This calls men to be honest about their mistakes, and grow from them (with grace and love) – even if painful. This calls men to tear down the walls they have built up, typically an attempt to prove to other people something that they may have missed in their childhood. This calls men to begin to soften their edges and move away from hardened-harsh behaviors, childish defensiveness, needless power struggles, abuse of power, chronic obsessions with dominance, and chip-on-your shoulder attitudes. The pain of our culture is calling men to move toward growing in traits of vulnerability, honesty, humility, love, kindness, assertiveness, grace-filled confidence, faithfulness, and self-control. This is an appeal to all men who struggle with speaking out the simple words “I messed up” in a way that promotes this type of growth. It is okay to begin to take down this wall. It is okay to begin to speak out honestly about your hurts. It is okay to find someone you trust to be able to be honest about with your difficulties. If done well and wisely, this will promote your character growth. This is an appeal to all men to soften their edges. References: Diamond, D., Yeomans, F., Stern, B., & Kernberg, O. (2022). Treating Pathological Narcissism with Transference-Focused Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.
0 Comments
Therapy is a process. In our culture (and in this day and age) quick fix solutions are often very popular. From the constant internet advertising about the newest easiest solution, to a problem on that infomercial playing on your TV during the late hours, our American culture has been plagued with the ideas of easy fixes for a long time. However, psychotherapy is different. Many clients seeking psychotherapy may have strong misperceptions that the therapist has all of the answers, easy solutions, quick fixes, and knows exactly what tools the client can use to “fix” their situation. In my humble opinion, if you find a therapist that makes these types of promises, it might serve you best to continue your search. Not one person on this planet (aside from Jesus Christ himself) has ever walked the earth knowing all the answers, solutions, or can promise easy fixes to (mostly) challenging, complex, and difficult feelings, situations, and concerns.
Again, therapy is a process. If you find the right therapist, I would encourage you to trust the process. What is the process? For most of psychotherapy, it is a process of mutual discovery, noticing unhelpful internal experiences, how these internal experiences have been impacted by past events or trauma, and how to effectively respond more proactively to these internal experiences that are more helpful to improving a person’s quality of life (or integrate these internal experiences in a way that promotes new views of oneself and the world). This process takes time. Typically, the process also doesn’t happen quickly but can happen through actions of commitment to therapy, finding a therapist that is the right fit, and finding a therapist that you trust. One profound experience I have found when working with many clients (especially with men) is promoting the ability and skill to simply acknowledge internal experiences, thoughts/feelings, and reflecting on past memories they are connected to. For many clients, the initial reactions might be painful ones such as feelings of sadness and grief. However, over time, acknowledging feelings, speaking it out honestly, and linking it to a past trauma memory can promote experiences of relief, healing, and growth. Thankfully, there are many different types of therapies that can promote this development. Below are some helpful resources on different types of therapies that may help. That being said, my hope with writing this blog was to normalize therapy as a process that takes time, encourage you to stick with (or find!) a therapist you trust, and keep putting one foot in front of the other (even when your mind tells you many discouraging things!). Trauma-Focused Therapy Resources: EMDR Cognitive Processing Therapy Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy One of the most common challenges I have when working with people who are experiencing high amounts of distress, pain, or suffering is centered around discussions about situations in life we cannot control. In so much of life, events happen that we have absolutely no control over and the (very normal) human propensity to want control can and (typically) will begin to surface and present itself. While speaking on this matter, it is important to be clear: control is definitely NOT a bad thing and it would absolutely make sense to step in, take action and try to control in situations that we do have at least SOME influence toward a better outcome. However, situations will arise that we have either no control over or we have only minimal influence. A family member is fully lost to an addiction, with small hope of change. A spouse suddenly leaves his family without any prior warning and is not coming back. A disaster strikes and completely demolishes a neighborhood. There are no easy answers to situations such as these. They are highly complex, incredibly painful, disheartening, traumatic, and beyond sorrowful. With that being said, how I typically respond toward those in these types of situations involves guidance toward the following themes:
GRIEVE I remember hearing a chaplain once speak on the subject of grief. His essential questions was “when does a person grieve?” He followed this with the answer “when they are alive.” If you are a human being, you are a human griever. All humans need to grieve. Grief is a normal process that allows your body, mind, and spirit to be as sorrowful to the point it needs to be sorrowful. And that is okay. That doesn’t need to be fixed. There is no wrong or right way to grieve, but it is important to allow yourself to grieve. It is very normal to need to grieve what was lost, heartbreaking, and what we have no control over. What do I mean by grieving? Allowing yourself to experience the feelings, even as intense as they are, without trying to change them. Even without trying to control the feelings or trying to control something you cannot control. Being with the feelings, and allowing space for them, because they are normal and expected. It’s okay to grieve the lost loved one to addiction. It’s okay to grieve the spouse that left. It’s okay to grieve the house that was lost. It’s okay to grieve, be vulnerable, and allow the feelings to be felt (even as painful as they are). SELF-COMPASSION Self-compassion is incredibly important when we make mistakes (and still allows us to learn form them). Self-compassion is even more important when we experience immense distress, pain, and suffering during events we have no control over. Self-compassion means allowing space for the experience of the feelings, while still having grace for ourselves. This is counter to what our minds and internal experiences typically will tell us. When experiencing situations we cannot control, we typically look for what we may have missed and what we think we could have done to try to control the situation or change the outcome. Our mind will easily highlight all the things we “could or should’ve” done. We can even have self-compassion for ourselves even as we experience such thoughts and feelings. Self-compassion essentially means that even though your mind might “beat you up” about what tragically happened, it doesn’t mean that you have to believe or even buy into the thoughts/feelings that come your way. You can have compassion for them and even for yourself, if you are willing. TURN TOWARD PURPOSE AND WHAT MATTERS Even when we experience pain, we can still take steps toward what matters most to us and our lives. This IS something we actually can control. Life still moves forward. There are still purposes and things in our life that need tending to. Children still need to be fed, jobs still need to be complete, purposeful matters still need to be tended to. With that said, this process doesn’t mean we “pull ourselves up by the boot-straps” or “buck up and move forward.” Trying to engage in life in this manner is incredibly invalidating. We may need time to grieve and disengage, and that is okay! However, grief and internal pain does not change the presence of actual purposes in our life that matter very much to us. Assessing and re-engaging in these areas (in our own reasonable time frame) can align us with our continued purposes for what we are here for and actions to take toward those values. In closing, this is just a brief blog on responding to internal experiences related to painful situations we cannot control. It is not meant to replace clinical psychotherapy. If you feel you would benefit from clinical care, I would encourage you to reach out to a provider to discuss more. We will all experience anxiety throughout our lives. Regardless of your beliefs or background, anxiety is a normal part of suffering in the human experience. Whether you are trying something completely new to you (such as joining a fitness group) or you think about the next time you see that controlling co-worker you work with on Monday – anxiety can show up during both positive experiences or negative life experiences. However, this does not mean that anxiety has to be the ruler of your life. One of the common key ways for dealing with anxiety is: to avoid. We may find ourselves avoiding situations that could hold our life back from growing in new ways. We then may feel shame about avoiding and start to experience thoughts “because it is this way, it always has to be this way.” For example, because a person feels intense anxiety, they may avoid meeting new people, trying for a new job/promotion, or avoid trying a new activity. A habit starts being created and when we feel the anxiety we decide to avoid taking action. As a result, the anxiety we feel goes down (in the short-term). However, in the long-term, there are detrimental costs to not engaging in areas of life that could provide enrichment, purpose, and connection to a person’s values. Life begins to close down.
On the other hand, a skill that can be used in response to anxiety can allow space for life to begin opening up. The skill of acceptance is often misunderstood in our culture today. For many, acceptance might mean: getting over it, white-knuckling through the anxiety, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, grit your teeth through it, push it down, “accept it and move on.” However (and thankfully!) these ideas are not what acceptance actually means! Let’s say, for example, a person wants to apply for a promotion at their job but feels anxiety about the potential for changes in their routine and responsibilities. Anxiety about change is definitely not uncommon. Their immediate pull is to avoid and not apply for it. As a result, the anxiety goes down and is controlled, however, with a great potential cost of not getting a new promotion with better pay or a more fulfilling role. Acceptance would actually be viewing it from this perspective (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson, 2012): “am I willing to have this anxiety, not as I would like it to be, but, as it is, in order for me to take another step toward what matters, my purposes, and my values.” Another way of looking at it: “am I willing to have this anxiety, open up to it, hold it lightly, and carry it with me as you take step towards this new promotion because I want to provide for my loved ones that matter immensely to me?” Instead of talking about acceptance, let’s experiment with the skill of actually using it. If you are willing, follow the steps below (you can also be a little willing, half-willing, three-quarters willing, or completely willing!): 1. Take a deep breath. A full breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Do this three times. 2. Take a moment and notice your thoughts, feelings, sensations, emotions, and internal experiences. Notice them just as they are. Whether they are pleasant or painful. 3. Open up to it, allow space for it, and be with it. Just for a moment, if you are willing, don’t try to change it. Be with it. Let go of the struggle if there is a struggle. Acceptance is a skill that can be used to allow a person to respond to their anxiety in ways that can leave room and flexibility for new steps and actions! I would encourage you to practice it as much as you can to better use this skill in situations that may be helpful for you. In closing, I will leave you with an acceptance audio exercise (Luoma, 2023): https://www.integrativehealthpartners.org/downloads/Acceptance%20of%20Anxiety.mp3 References: Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. The Guilford Press. Luoma, J. (2023, November 30). Acceptance of Anxiety. Portland Psychotherapy. https://www.integrativehealthpartners.org/downloads/Acceptance%20of%20Anxiety.mp3 As the new year is upon us, many of us will find ourselves making that list of goals that we hope to change in order to improve life. Potential goals you may have include: working out, losing weight, quitting smoking, cutting back on the sodas, saving more money, working toward a promotion, drinking more water, eating a better diet, etc. The idea of having goals for positive and healthy change for the new year is quite common. Sadly( while I know I mentioned in the title that I wanted to provide you an encouraging post), it can be discouraging to know that, for most, this change will be short-lived. Life will likely fall back into the same-old usual patterns by the end of January.
Why will this likely happen? Because for most of us, we view change as an all-or-nothing idea. When thinking in all-or-nothing patterns, we tend toward the idea that change must be perfect even when we start back into old habits or “fall off the wagon.” There is no room for mistakes when we are thinking in all-or-nothing terms. It is one experience when you say to yourself on January 1, “I am going to lose weight!” It is whole different experience when you feel that intense sugar craving after a stressful day at work. It is not uncommon for the mind to start to rationalize all the reasons why it is a good idea to eat that big cookie, even after making the declaration that you were going to change this habit. After you eat that first cookie, it is also not uncommon for the mind to say “see, you’re right back where you started. You can’t do this!” Then the whole habit starts over for the year, only for you to make that same declaration in 2025 (how incredibly frustrating!). So, where is the encouragement? It is in the idea that most change processes are better viewed as a marathon rather than a sprint. What does this mean? It means that even if you “fall off the wagon” we can begin to recognize that making small changes can begin to help build on larger patterns of change. For example, instead of eating the entire cookie you eat half of the cookie. Another idea, instead of eating the cookie you eat an apple. Maybe the next day you have a cookie and then the day after you have an apple. The point is this: making small changes and building on patterns of small changes can be an incredibly helpful process to help us allow flexibility with making progress toward our goals. In closing, I would ask you: what is one area you can create small change for yourself or even experiment with change in order to take steps toward your hopes and goals for 2024? 10/11/2023 Practical Skills You Can Actually Use to Take Better Care of Yourself at Work – Part 2Read NowWhen it comes to workplace habits and caring for your emotional well-being an incredibly important and vital conversation surrounding is the skill of boundary setting. While this was mentioned on the previous blog about caring for yourself at work, the subject is so important that it deserves further clarification and discussion. Why? Because if it is challenging for a person to say no and set limits surrounding workplace habits, they can easily fall into the trap of people-pleasing. As a result, there is a very high likelihood that burnout will result as well as the likelihood of an increase of experiences of depression, anxiety, and/or chronic disillusionment. Using boundary setting skills can safeguard a person’s emotional well-being and prevent such negative outcomes.
How can workplace boundaries help? As I mentioned above, they can safeguard your emotional well-being. Not only that, boundaries can also build your confidence. There is an incredible amount of empowerment in telling someone no and creating a line between what you will and will not do. We do live in a world where people take advantage of other people and try to manipulate circumstances to their benefit. At many times, people who do this will take advantage of a situation, even if it means there could be a detrimental cost to someone else. Let’s use an example. Jim and Bob are coworkers at a large corporation. Jim works very hard, gets his work done, and avoids gossiping about others. Bob has a hard time getting his work done and would rather spend his time gossiping and complaining to co-workers. At times, Bob sees Jim has his work done and comes over to him to gossip about others and then asks if Jim would help him with his projects since he does not seem to be doing anything. Jim has a hard time saying no and setting a limit. As a result, Jim then feels a sense of discouragement after having listened to all of Bob’s negativity, gossip, and complaining. Moreover, Jim feels a sense of his confidence deflating as Bob gives him more work to do. Jim does not feel he has the ability to say no. As a result, his resentments begin to grow and fester to where he experiences a feeling of dread about going to work. Unsurprisingly, since Jim has a hard time telling others no other people take advantage as well. As time passes, Jim’s energy at work is zapped as he listens to negative conversations and work continues to pile in his que. Jim even feels a sense of some depression. How can we implement the skill of setting boundaries? Looking at the above example of Jim begs the question, what could he do? There are a few options and paths to choose from. If Jim wants to stay in his workplace and have a sense of well-being and grow in his confidence, he would benefit from learning to tell others no. So how does this work and where does “the rubber meet the road”? Jim may benefit from recognizing at what points in his work there is opportunity to assert himself so he can observe his limits and boundaries surrounding his time. One starting point would be for Jim to reflect on the honest reality of his unhealthy relationship dynamic with Bob. At this point, he can begin to see he is in a position to defend his needs and say no rather than be passive or go with the path of least resistance. A few ways to respond to Bob when he is trying to take advantage of Jim would be: avoid him as much as possible (probably wouldn’t work all the time), talk openly with him, confront him directly, or say no at any point Bob approaches him with gossip or when he is wanting to “throw work at him.” A few ways that Jim might phrase his responses to Bob: Option 1 (If Jim does not value this relationship): “Bob, I can’t continue to do this gossip anymore. I know I have sat and listened to you in the past but I can’t continue to do this. You will have to also figure out your own work from now on. Sorry if this hurts your feelings.” Option 2 (If Jim does value this relationship): “Bob, I want you to know I do value my relationship with you at work. Please know that. And I have to say that I cannot gossip with you because it makes me feel down and depressed and impacts my conscience. I feel bad. As well, please stop asking me to help you with all these projects. It is too much for me and I get overwhelmed.” Something I coach my clients on how to prepare for boundary setting when the person who is being told no could get upset or even have a tantrum. That person may also push back and defend which is very common. That being said, it can be helpful to simply be prepared to repeat or reiterate what was spoken but in a new way to help facilitate understanding. However, some people may not understand or they refuse to understand. It is important to simply let the other person feel and have what they have. If we feel anxious because they are angry, use deep breathing and self-compassion to regulate ourselves to through the moment. Take Care of Yourself! A person can frame a limit or boundary in the most perfect, eloquent way and yet the other person still may become angry, lavish guilt or shame, or simply refuse to show any form of understanding. If that happens, that is okay! Allow them to have space to feel what they feel and take care of yourself by having a deep sense of compassion for yourself. Setting boundaries is hard work and can be emotionally exhausting. But this is usually only in the short-term. In the long-term, it can improve a person’s confidence and mental wellbeing. PLEASE NOTE: None of this blog is meant as a substitute for personal clinical guidance. Please seek a trained mental health professional when it comes to setting boundaries, specifically if you are in a relationship with someone who you feel is abusive or could cause physical or emotional harm if you set limits with them. Making the step to meet with someone for therapy can be a difficult one and is a very normal challenge to overcome. However, the potential gains and benefits from meeting with a therapist can be profound if a person finds the right therapist for them. One of the most helpful aspects of therapy is that it can help with challenging, shifting, or even changing a person’s normal pull toward habits of avoidance. The habits of avoidance can also cause someone to not seek out help as a result of very normal, but intense, feelings of anxiety, fear, or panic about the idea.
The American Psychological Association (2023) defines habits of avoidance as “the practice or an instance of keeping away from particular situations, environments, individuals, or things because of either (a) the anticipated negative consequence of such an encounter or (b) anxious or painful feelings associated with them.” The American Psychological Association (2023) further defines the term avoidance coping as: “any strategy for managing a stressful situation in which a person does not address the problem directly but instead disengages from the situation and averts attention from it. In other words, the individual turns away from the processing of threatening information. Examples of avoidance coping include escapism, wishful thinking, self-isolation, undue emotional restraint, and using drugs or alcohol. While generally viewed more unfavorably than the converse approach coping, avoidant strategies may provide some benefit by reducing stress and preventing anxiety from becoming overwhelming.” All of us, to one degree or another, have habits of avoidance. Avoidance is not a bad thing per se, however, the habit can cost a person in the long-run and typically serves only to increase intense feelings of pain or distress which can compound over time. A metaphor about avoidance that is commonly used in the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy tradition is that avoidance is like feeding a tiger (Hayes, 2005). Within this metaphor a person who continuously feeds the baby tiger (representing avoidance coping strategies) finds that eventually it becomes an angry and large grown-up tiger that eats him (representing the long-term costs of avoidance strategies). This metaphor signifies accurately the necessity of addressing not only avoidance coping strategies, but also the underlying feelings that tend to only compound in intensity over time. In other words (and using a different metaphor), the onion can continue to create layers unless we begin to address and peel back some of the layers. Seeking therapy sooner (rather than later) to address these challenges can be helpful to begin to take steps and movements towards a new or renewed life direction. References American Psychological Association. (2023). APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/avoidance American Psychological Association. (2023). APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/avoidace-coping Hayes, S (2005) Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life. New Harbinger Publications. Change is hard. Especially change that is helpful for your physical health, mental health, and overall well-being. Starting, creating, and maintaining habits of positive and healthy change is challenging and difficult. According to a National Institute of Health Study, 73% of smokers wish to stop smoking, while 22% try to stop, and 5% are actually able to sustain quitting. According to another study done by UCLA, while people may lose 5 to 10 pounds on a fad diet, it actually does not lead to actual sustained weight loss for the majority of people. Although creating movements of change can be challenging and difficult, this does not mean change cannot happen. People can and do make decisions to change and sustain these actions. This is done by continually making a mindful and conscious choice to either do (or not do) a specific action or behavior. The saying “one day at a time” from the tradition of Alcoholics Anonymous resonates perfectly with this topic. This saying means making a conscious decision to not drink for this day and this day only. For some who are recovering from a more severe alcohol dependence, this saying can even get reduced to “one moment at a time.” For those who have very intense cravings, the saying can even become “one second at a time” when encountering the crucial decision to drink or not to drink alcohol.
As we notice from the example of an alcohol dependent person, it is easy for intense thoughts, feelings, cravings, and strong internal experiences to lead a person off track from making actual change and from making the daily decisions to form new habits. This experience is the point where the “rubber meets the road.” In other words, we have a choice when these internal sensations come about like a wave in the ocean (highly intense for a moment, then softens and passes). The choice is: do we follow what matters to us (taking care of our health), our purpose (being alive for our family), and our values (caring for ourselves)? Or do we follow what internal habits we are experiencing in this moment? Taking a step back, mindfully being aware and noticing these feelings, can give us enough space to allow us to make the choice versus our internal experiences simply making the choice for us. I leave you today with a skill I teach many clients I work with called the STOP skill (created and originated by Marsha Linehan, PhD, creator of Dialectal Behavior Therapy). It follows as this: S – Stop (allow a moment to pause) T – Take 3 deep breaths O – Observe (what you are feeling; what thoughts are coming your way; what you are doing) P – Proceed (with making an informed choice) When it comes to making changes in habits, it is not easy. Our insides know how we have been doing things. We are fully conditioned to those habits and typically called back into them even when we try to do new actions, behaviors, or life pursuits. Practicing skills such as the STOP skill can allow space to make an informed choice before these old feelings call you back into the old ways that you are ready to change. One moment at a time. One action at a time. References: all skills and ideas in this blog are credited to both the creators of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (Steven Hayes, PhD; Kirk D. Strosahl, PhD; Kelly G. Wilson, PhD; Robyn Waler, PhD) and Dialectal Behavior Therapy (Marsha Linehan, PhD). 7/21/2023 Practical Skills You Can Actually Use to Take Better Care of Yourself at Work – Part 1Read NowAs a healthcare professional, one of the biggest challenges I face is, unsurprisingly, stress. Stress permeates American culture in other professions as well not just the healthcare profession. Our American culture is heavily built upon ideas surrounding high achievement, efficiency, meeting deadlines, achieving goals, and problem solving. We always seeming to look for newer and newer ways to increase productivity. These qualities are not inherently bad things. However, it is not unusual that this phenomenon creates high amounts of stress reactions for all those engaged in such activities and in all our workplaces, especially for high-achievers (those with many goals and aspirations). With the hopes of helping others improve emotional well-being, I have reflected on a few simple ideas and ways to improve mental health when it is strongly affected by stress in the workplace.
1. Set Limits and Say No This sounds simple and easy, but it is not. Many people are challenged with the normal pull to say yes. This is not because we usually want to say yes, but because we want to avoid disappointing someone or defuse a conflict before it begins. Saying yes works to do this, but only in the short-term. Setting limits and saying no, while incredibly hard for many people, is essential to allowing space to not experience work overload and to be able to actually focus on the task(s) at hand. Setting limits is difficult, however, allowing space and openness to go through some short-term stress produces greater long-term gains in the future. In other words, if you say no and simply allow the experience of anxiety to run it’s course, there is a chance your emotional well-being will improve in the long-term as a result. There is also a chance your self-confidence in your skills and abilities to say no could improve as well. 2. Pace Yourself The idea of your work being a marathon and not a sprint is incredibly beneficial to your emotional health. It does not mean you avoid or procrastinate, but it does mean you allow intervals of space in between solving problems and engaging in stressful and stress inducing activities. The story of the Tortoise and the Hare presents this idea perfectly. The hare sprinted and became tired and did not make it to the finish line because he chose to nap. The tortious chose slow, steady, and consistent movements and not only finished, but won the race. There is a reason this story has carried forward in our culture for so long. We can definitely continue to learn from it. 3. Reflect on Ways to Take Purposeful Actions Allowing space to think about the why behind the actions we engage in as well as the values and purposes behind them can be incredibly beneficial to our emotional health. If we tell the boss no to a project, it likely will create feelings of discomfort. However, when we think about the reasons why (maybe because we want to have more time with our family), we can return to our purpose and values that underlie the reason we chose the discomfort of saying no. Identifying and reflecting on values and reasons to take actions such as these can be profoundly helpful to making new and renewed steps to improving emotional and mental well-being. There are many more steps you can take to improve your emotional health and mental well-being at work. However, these three listed above can be a profoundly helpful (and challenging) to start moving toward new daily habits to care for your emotional well-being. There are more skills and ideas we can discuss further and will be written about in another post. Depression is a common experience for many at some point in life (though for some it can be a chronic ongoing experience). It could be argued that most people are aware of the feelings and experiences (the DSM-V would call these symptoms) of depression. Briefly, depression symptoms can include: feeling down, or hopeless; loss of interest in previously pleasurable activities; changes in appetite; trouble with sleep (sleeping too little or too much); loss or lack of energy; feeling worthless, hopeless, or guilty; difficulty focusing or concentrating; and thoughts of being better off gone or contemplating suicide. One in six people will experience depression in life. Depression also effects about one in fifteen adults in every year.
One of the biggest challenges with depression is its power to impact a person’s life, actions, and direction in life. The focus of a person’s life becomes highly influenced toward ineffective ways of trying to control feelings of depression. Such ineffective methods can include: sleeping a lot or most of the time; avoiding social interaction or engagements; avoiding any type of pleasurable or purposeful activity; or even the use of alcohol or substances. Most of these types of actions are aimed at finding relief. Not surprisingly, this relief can and does usually work. However, it typically only works in the short-term and can be at the expense of long-term purpose, values, and hoped-for life direction. For example, a college student who is moderately depressed may feel relief by avoiding class and sleeping most of the day. However, these types of actions can be at the expense of their long-term goal (perhaps costing them in becoming a physician) and at the expense of their values of helping other people. In another example, an elder adult experiences mild to moderate depression because of the loss of their life-long spouse. Because of the depression, they begin to consistently avoid social interaction with their adult children. As a result, this action comes at the cost of engaging with their grandchildren which they value very highly and sense a great amount of purpose in being an actively engaged grandparent. Sadly, though they may feel relief in avoiding other people, avoiding such an interaction tends only to increase the depression in the long-term. An approach that has been highly effective in helping people break the cycle of depression is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (or ACT, pronounced like the word act). The ACT approach is highly evidenced-based with over 1,000 randomized control trials being completed. The aim of ACT is to help a person reflect on and potentially identify ineffective ways they have tried to control their depression, as well as what values, purpose, and hoped-for life directions it has cost them. However, highlighting these ineffective strategies is done in a hopeful manner which allows a person to notice their experience of internal pain, let go of needlessly struggling with it (and trying to control the experience of the internal pain), and take action toward personal values, purpose, and life direction that has meaning and importance. Moreover, the ACT approach allows space for a person to notice their internal experiences and (even with the experience) to be able to take steps toward what matters to them and their values. As Robyn Walser, PhD (one of the pioneers of ACT) says, it is beginning to live life from the feet up, instead of the head down. Overall, feelings of depression can create many “rules” for a person. It is not unusual for a person to feel that simply because they experience depression they must adhere to what depression tells them to do. This is called mindless rule following. For the young college student, the rule was to stay at home in bed. For the elder adult, it was to avoid social interaction. An ACT approach to depression can begin to allow space to notice the crucial difference between what these painful feelings tell a person to do and what a person’s values direct them to do. Finally, the ultimate goal of noticing these differences is to give a person the empowerment of choice to take purposeful actions (no matter how small) toward what is most meaningful in life to their personal values. If you are interested in ACT therapy, you are welcome to contact me or search for other ACT therapists using this link. Other resources and self-help books about ACT include: The Happiness Trap Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven Hayes, PhD (co-creator of ACT) References: All Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ideas, skills, and theories on this blog are fully credited to it's pioneers and creators: Steven Hayes, PhD; Kirk D. Strosahl, PhD; Kelly G. Wilson, PhD; Robyn Waler, PhD. |
Details
AuthorCorbin Henningsen, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist in the Oklahoma City and Edmond, OK areas. He enjoys helping people who struggle with depression, anxiety, and traumatic memories. He has worked as a therapist since 2016 and has operated a robust and growing private practice since 2020. He loves to help his clients through a down-to-earth approach that helps them make sense of their internal pain while taking reasonable steps toward values, meaning, and purpose. Archives
June 2024
|