One of the most common challenges I have when working with people who are experiencing high amounts of distress, pain, or suffering is centered around discussions about situations in life we cannot control. In so much of life, events happen that we have absolutely no control over and the (very normal) human propensity to want control can and (typically) will begin to surface and present itself. While speaking on this matter, it is important to be clear: control is definitely NOT a bad thing and it would absolutely make sense to step in, take action and try to control in situations that we do have at least SOME influence toward a better outcome. However, situations will arise that we have either no control over or we have only minimal influence. A family member is fully lost to an addiction, with small hope of change. A spouse suddenly leaves his family without any prior warning and is not coming back. A disaster strikes and completely demolishes a neighborhood. There are no easy answers to situations such as these. They are highly complex, incredibly painful, disheartening, traumatic, and beyond sorrowful. With that being said, how I typically respond toward those in these types of situations involves guidance toward the following themes:
GRIEVE I remember hearing a chaplain once speak on the subject of grief. His essential questions was “when does a person grieve?” He followed this with the answer “when they are alive.” If you are a human being, you are a human griever. All humans need to grieve. Grief is a normal process that allows your body, mind, and spirit to be as sorrowful to the point it needs to be sorrowful. And that is okay. That doesn’t need to be fixed. There is no wrong or right way to grieve, but it is important to allow yourself to grieve. It is very normal to need to grieve what was lost, heartbreaking, and what we have no control over. What do I mean by grieving? Allowing yourself to experience the feelings, even as intense as they are, without trying to change them. Even without trying to control the feelings or trying to control something you cannot control. Being with the feelings, and allowing space for them, because they are normal and expected. It’s okay to grieve the lost loved one to addiction. It’s okay to grieve the spouse that left. It’s okay to grieve the house that was lost. It’s okay to grieve, be vulnerable, and allow the feelings to be felt (even as painful as they are). SELF-COMPASSION Self-compassion is incredibly important when we make mistakes (and still allows us to learn form them). Self-compassion is even more important when we experience immense distress, pain, and suffering during events we have no control over. Self-compassion means allowing space for the experience of the feelings, while still having grace for ourselves. This is counter to what our minds and internal experiences typically will tell us. When experiencing situations we cannot control, we typically look for what we may have missed and what we think we could have done to try to control the situation or change the outcome. Our mind will easily highlight all the things we “could or should’ve” done. We can even have self-compassion for ourselves even as we experience such thoughts and feelings. Self-compassion essentially means that even though your mind might “beat you up” about what tragically happened, it doesn’t mean that you have to believe or even buy into the thoughts/feelings that come your way. You can have compassion for them and even for yourself, if you are willing. TURN TOWARD PURPOSE AND WHAT MATTERS Even when we experience pain, we can still take steps toward what matters most to us and our lives. This IS something we actually can control. Life still moves forward. There are still purposes and things in our life that need tending to. Children still need to be fed, jobs still need to be complete, purposeful matters still need to be tended to. With that said, this process doesn’t mean we “pull ourselves up by the boot-straps” or “buck up and move forward.” Trying to engage in life in this manner is incredibly invalidating. We may need time to grieve and disengage, and that is okay! However, grief and internal pain does not change the presence of actual purposes in our life that matter very much to us. Assessing and re-engaging in these areas (in our own reasonable time frame) can align us with our continued purposes for what we are here for and actions to take toward those values. In closing, this is just a brief blog on responding to internal experiences related to painful situations we cannot control. It is not meant to replace clinical psychotherapy. If you feel you would benefit from clinical care, I would encourage you to reach out to a provider to discuss more.
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AuthorCorbin Henningsen, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist in the Oklahoma City and Edmond, OK areas. He enjoys helping people who struggle with depression, anxiety, and traumatic memories. He has worked as a therapist since 2016 and has operated a robust and growing private practice since 2020. He loves to help his clients through a down-to-earth approach that helps them make sense of their internal pain while taking reasonable steps toward values, meaning, and purpose. Archives
June 2024
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