Traits of narcissism only seem to continue to increase in our culture throughout this day and age. The term has become more and more present as it seems we continue to (sadly) move into an increasingly hostile cultural environment. Today, terms such as “gas-lighting” and “narcissistic abuse” seem to be thrown around more and more often (sometimes in what seems to be an accurate manner and sometimes what could be inaccurately). While there is a great abundance of misunderstanding and debate about what truly constitutes narcissistic traits, narcissistic abuse, and even narcissistic personality disorder, the majority of those who are diagnosed as having traits of narcissism are men (Diamond, Yeomans, Stren, and Kernberg, 2022). One of the biggest challenges of being impacted by narcissistic qualities is the false belief that a man must pretend, put on a mask, and hide all of their vulnerabilities, insecurities, mistakes, and experiences of (sometimes very intense) shame. This path leads to a very dark, lonely, and sad road – even if he is surrounded by others who find themselves pretending alongside with him. There is an apparent need in our culture for men to speak out honestly (and with actual vulnerability) that increasingly becomes clearer and clearer as our cultural fire continues to burn. In today’s day and age the way people speak to one another, specifically while hiding through text and social media, couldn’t have even been imagined 20 years ago (even through a phone conversation). The cycle will continue to grow if men only continue to pretend, abdicate their roles, and put on a masks perpetuating these types of problems.
There is a massive calling for all men to step up and build qualities of character in ways that seems counterintuitive to what our current culture perpetuates and expects. Specifically, building qualities of showing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If you are Christian, you will know these as the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). If you are not a Christian, you know them as something completely counter to what our current culture and society teaches us about character, specifically what to expect from the character of a man. Our culture increasingly promotes ideas of men as narcissists which (while there is some truth to this) creates a type of pain within our society, a clear indicator of the need for men to step up in ways that promote actual vulnerability, humility, honesty, and openness. This calls men to be honest with themselves, tell the truth (with grace and love) – even if painful. This calls men to speak out honestly about their vulnerabilities, not in a way that is shame-ridden, but in a way that promotes actual growth (with grace and love) – even if painful. This calls men to be honest about their mistakes, and grow from them (with grace and love) – even if painful. This calls men to tear down the walls they have built up, typically an attempt to prove to other people something that they may have missed in their childhood. This calls men to begin to soften their edges and move away from hardened-harsh behaviors, childish defensiveness, needless power struggles, abuse of power, chronic obsessions with dominance, and chip-on-your shoulder attitudes. The pain of our culture is calling men to move toward growing in traits of vulnerability, honesty, humility, love, kindness, assertiveness, grace-filled confidence, faithfulness, and self-control. This is an appeal to all men who struggle with speaking out the simple words “I messed up” in a way that promotes this type of growth. It is okay to begin to take down this wall. It is okay to begin to speak out honestly about your hurts. It is okay to find someone you trust to be able to be honest about with your difficulties. If done well and wisely, this will promote your character growth. This is an appeal to all men to soften their edges. References: Diamond, D., Yeomans, F., Stern, B., & Kernberg, O. (2022). Treating Pathological Narcissism with Transference-Focused Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.
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AuthorCorbin Henningsen, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist in the Oklahoma City and Edmond, OK areas. He enjoys helping people who struggle with depression, anxiety, and traumatic memories. He has worked as a therapist since 2016 and has operated a robust and growing private practice since 2020. He loves to help his clients through a down-to-earth approach that helps them make sense of their internal pain while taking reasonable steps toward values, meaning, and purpose. Archives
June 2024
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